Saturday, January 24, 2015

If Megan Doesn't Appear in Season 5, I'm Gonna Flip a Table

Oh crud, guys, we've cheesed her off!

Seriously, Hasbro, I've been watching your stupid magic pony show for, like, four years now, plus the comic books (which are kinda awesome), plus the chapbooks (which kinda suck), plus the movies in which the talking horses transform into teeny-boppers (WTF?), and you still haven't given me what I want.

I give you one more chance.  That is, I give you one more season.  If Megan doesn't show up in Season 5, I'm gonna ragequit.  In case you don't know, that's internet-speak for getting really angry and quitting.

And make sure you ASK A PARENT FIRST!

So after I watched that video, I did what it said and asked my parents, and they told me to grow up and stop playing with ponies.  Now I'm conflicted and confused.

Wait, where was I?  Oh, right.  Megan.  You see, the cartoony show My Little Pony: Friendship Has a Really Long Subtitle for a Kids' Cartoon and It's Kinda Awkward and Only Gets Worse in the Expanded Universe Stuff Where You Sometimes Even Have Two or Three Subtitles Such as the Chapbook My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks: The Mane Event, and What the Hell Is Up with That? is entering its fifth season this coming spring, and teaser trailers (such as the one shown above) have been coming out . . .

. . . And there's still no sign of Megan!

This table.  I flip it for you.

Who is Megan, you ask?  Megan was the star of the original My Little Pony, the good one, back in the Eighties.  All the best stuff is from the Eighties.  Like mullets.  And Megan was awesome.

Megan was all, like, cool and stuff, because she, like, flew around on horses.  And stuff.

In the last couple of years, I managed to acquire a DVD set of the original My Little Pony.  The show was on when I was seven, and my memories of it were vague, so I assumed I only watched it occasionally.  Upon rewatching it as an adult, however, I discovered that I recognized something from most every episode, which means I didn't watch it occasionally.  I watched it religiously.  And I'm pretty sure the main reason I watched it was Megan.

I consider Megan my first magical girl.

Although it has its merits, nobody in his right mind claims the original My Little Pony was a great work of art.  The animation quality was on the lower end of what was passable, the writing varied in quality but was mostly so-so, and the musical numbers were an affront to the very existence of eardrums.  But Megan, the farm girl who got to hang out with the talking magic ponies, is one of those characters who transcend the inadequate media in which they are depicted.  Wise beyond her years, throwing herself into danger for others' sake, motherly yet short-tempered, armed with a deus ex machina device, always ready to give an impromptu lecture on the virtues of love and friendship, and willing to seriously kick butt when necessary, Megan is the best thing the My Little Pony franchise has ever produced.

In all honesty, that's not saying much.  But still.

Dangerous when provoked.

The thing is, even Tirek the Centaur, a loser villain from G1—whom Megan killed—got shoehorned into the current generation of My Little Pony; he was the villain in the finale of Season Four.  I thought, since Tirek was coming back, that Megan might at least get a small cameo in the same episode, but nooo.  It was after viewing the season finale that I flipped my first table ever . . . and found out I liked it.

So this is my ultimatum to Hasbro:  Starting with my very own dining room table and moving from there, I am going to flip a different table every day until Megan makes her triumphal reappearance in My Little Pony.  The flippings will continue until Megan sightings improve.

In time, I will have, through the repeated flippings of tables, so leveled-up my table-flipping power that I will at last flip the big oaken table in the boardroom of Hasbro's executive offices.  That's, like, the final boss or something.

Yeah.  Oh yeah.  This is gonna be flipping awesome.

I'm coming for you, punk.

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