Monday, March 9, 2009

Putting Off Doing My Taxes

John C. Wright posts a copy of the Periodic Table of Awesoments, a handy guide by which a work can be evaluated for its awesomeness, and evaluates his own novels thereby. I thought I might do the same with my comparatively sparse work.



Let's see...in the case of "Dragonsaint," we have a Dragon (59), obviously, as well as Coffee (15), Fire (50), Helicopters (28), Lightning (49), and a Wizard (54)...huh, that might be it. That's no good. Arguably, though, it does contain Boobs (13), since I used the word breasts once in reference to the female anatomy and a few times in reference to a mountain range.

Now how about my present project? This comic book I'm supposedly scripting? It's in much better shape: we have a Dragon (59), Grenades (12), Miniguns (24), Tanks (40), Mecha (46), a Fortress (107), Metal (114), Coffee (15), Bacon (1), a Sniper (10), Chocolate (7), Liquor (51), Battle Axes (74), Rockets (38), Swords (39), Bombs (20), Explosions (4), Boobs (13), Ribs (84), Sunglasses [at night] (97), Assassins (18), Storms (83), Fire (50), and probably even Sex (113), though that last will be implied and off the page, thank you.

We have one bomb that works sort of like a Proximity Mine (88), some characters who look kind of like Cheetahs (63), and there's Kung Fu (26). Ooohhh, there's Kung Fu. Assuming that by "Moon Jumps" (45), they mean characters' abilities to jump further or higher than in real life, we have that too, and of course everybody knows that when you combine the Kung Fu awesomement with the Moon Jump awesoment, you get the Wire-fu molecool. We have the Wire-fu molecool.

Wright notes that Space Princesses are missing from the table, but I would point out that Space (31) is already up there and that Princess is actually previously undiscovered awesoment 103. Someone else notes that no small arms are on the table; in particular, the AK-47 deserves a spot, and is probably undiscovered awesoment 105. I would also point out that glasses of the non-sun variety, at least if worn by females or capable of reflecting light in a creepy fashion, are awesoment 102. We have a complex molecool here known as the Wire-fu-fighting AK-47-wielding Princess with Glasses, which I think pretty much shatters the glass ceiling of awesomeness.
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