Monday, January 5, 2009

An Open Letter to the New Battlestar Galactica

Dear Battlestar Galactica,

Hey, baby.

So you been away for a while. Quite a while, in fact. But I hear you comin' back. When's that? January 16th? I'll be there, baby.

Yeah, I know you heard the rumors. I know you heard I went back to that old, washed-up show I used to hang with. But don't you believe it, hot stuff. When you get back, I'm aaaaaalllll yours, baby. Just please put Tricia Helfer in a good costume for once. I mean, seriously, where'd you get those dresses? The Embarrassed Bridesmaid Boutique?

Hey, you think maybe you can put on a bikini like that old show always did? Man, she looked great in a bikini, even after all those kids.... Whoops, sorry. Just thinkin' out loud.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm all yours, baby. They don't call you the best TV drama for nothin'. After all, you rip off all the other TV dramas, so how could you not be? By the way, stop making Apollo a bastard. That's what you have Starbuck for.

You got lots goin' for ya, lovemuffin. You got Nicki Clyne...okay, you had Nicki Clyne...and you got Edward James Olmos, and you got Katee Sackhoff playing perhaps the only TV tough girl who I could actually believe was a tough girl.

But you know what I love most about you, sugar-dumpling? I love the guns. Oh yeah, the guns. First you tease me with a replica of the handgun from Blade Runner, but you don't stop there--you turn around and replace it with an FN Five-seveN, apparently thinking I won't notice. (And I dig the underbarrel grenade launcher. More handguns should have those.) Then, for a little while, you equip your marines with the FN P90; I guess when you factor in those Stargate shows, that makes the P90 the submachine gun of choice for military space operas. And then Starbuck carries two Vz 61s--oh yeah, baby, you know how I like it when you use two machine pistols at once. Actually, honeycakes, you're just full o' guns, an' I likes dat. That old, washed-up show tried to keep me satisfied with goofy laser pistols equipped with strobe lights, but you know what I really like.

Now where did these space people who've never been to Earth get all these guns, anyway?

Anyway, I'm just writin' you this little love note to say, welcome back, baby. And that old show won't be anywhere in sight when you show up. I promise.

Love ya babe,

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