Monday, December 1, 2008

An Open Letter to the Original Battlestar Galactica

Dear Battlestar Galactica,

We've been through a lot, you and I. I mean, we practically grew up together. I can honestly say you've been one of the most important television shows in my life, not that I've had a lot of television shows or anything like that.

I know that, lately, I haven't exactly treated you the way you deserve. No, that's an understatement. I have to be blunt and honest about what I did: I left you for a newer, younger show. I did. And I regret it more than anything I've ever done.

I can't deny it, she lured me away from you. She just seemed so sophisticated, so much more grown up, if you will. It was mostly an intellectual attraction, I swear it was. But after we were together for a while, I started to realize there was too much...too much drama, if you know what I mean. You're just so much more fun to be with, and you have such a great sense of humor.

But the thing I really like about you, the reason I really like you more than her, is the kids. No, I'm serious. She told me right from the start that she really didn't want any kids. We ended up having one, early on in our relationship--but then he mysteriously disappeared. I'm actually really worried about him.

You, on the other hand, have always adored children. You told me from the beginning you wanted one of your own, and that you wanted to have a bunch of others to walk on as extras, too. I like that about you. You're so family-friendly, not like that other show. I know some people don't like your kids. They've told me so. And they don't like your mechanical dog, either. But I'm not like them. They're just a bunch of pet- and child-haters.

Of course, sometimes I think maybe you're a bit soft on child endangerment. I mean, I would be happier if you didn't let that poor kid go on so many dangerous missions or walk onto the bridge unsupervised, but I'm willing to overlook some of your little faults like that. They're cute in their own way.

And you're so bold. I love the way you shamelessly rip off other people's work, like when you renamed The Guns of Navarone "The Gun on Ice Planet Zero" and tried to pass it off as something original. Or when you renamed Towering Inferno "Fire in Space." That other show rips off stuff like West Wing instead. I mean, seriously. Plus, you give me at least one space battle and one gunfight an episode. That other show is much more fickle about things like that. And she's always so embarrassed, trying to cover up her plot holes. But you never care about things like that. You're too busy having fun to fret about minor details like continuity. I love the way you transformed that "socialator" character into a nurse without any explanation.

And then there's your Cylons. They're so much fun. The Cylons in that new show are just...people. Yours are silly looking robots, as they should be. I'm particularly a big fan of Lucifer. Does that sound wrong? It's true anyway.

What I'm trying to say, baby, is, I done you wrong. I have to admit that. I'm sorry. I love you. I want you back.

Will you take me back?


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