Monday, November 10, 2008

Battlestar Galactica: Lost Planet of the Gods Part 1

Ah, Battlestar Galactica, how do I love thee? Do I love thee most for thy hammy acting? Or for thy episode entitled "Lost Planet of the Gods," in which no lost planet of the gods makes an appearance? Do I love thee for John Colicos's Baltar, who goes from whiny to menacing as soon as he gets a taste of power? Or for thy phony measurements, in which time is measured in centons (whatever those are), but temperature is measured in Fahrenheit? Or do I love thee, perhaps, for thy skintight pilots' underwear, which we only learn about when you find need to introduce a platoon of female pilots?

Maybe I just love thee for thy obsession with gold-trimmed velvet. Who designed thy costumes? Oscar Wilde?

Seriously, though, I'm struggling here. I can't decide if I like the old series or the new series better. The old series has Boxey (Noah Hathaway), who's awesome, but the new series has Cally (Nicki Clyne), who's also awesome. So now I have to ask myself, "Which do I like more--cute children or alluring women?"

Um...alluring women, obviously. Why did I ask myself that? But if I prefer Cally more, that means I like the new series more, and that's downright blasphemous, a denial of everything I've believed in all these years... Auggh!!! Faith crisis! Maybe my priest was right! Watching the original series is evil!

But what I really like about the original series is how darn small space is. Here's a group of dimwits trying to figure out which way to go, and they're saying things like, "Well, it's a narrow passage..." or "We know we can't go that way, so we'll have to..." Hey doofuses, aren't you guys, like, in space??? What's with all this talk about narrow channels and such?

No, I take all that back. What I like best is that nameless, pigtailed communications officer who gives Starbuck a good talking-to when he has the audacity to sound worried over the intercom while his damaged fighter is blowing up. I kept waiting for her to say something like, "Starbuck, you flip switch A7 and shunt extra power to the cooling valves or you're getting a spanking when you get back!"

And I have been made aware that a debate has raged among high school girls over whether Starbuck or Apollo is the hottest. I'd like to settle that right now--it's Starbuck, obviously... Oh, but I'm thinking of the new series again. Seriously, though, as I can state matter-of-factly, being a Guy Secure in His Masculinity (GSHM), or perhaps more accurately, a Guy Who Doesn't Give a Frack What You Think of His Masculinity (GWDGFWYTHM), both series found extraordinarily good-looking actors to fill both those roles. But none of 'em are Nicki Clyne.

Wait, wait, I've got it--I love best the name Starbuck. It's an alien civilization far out in space, separated from humanity as we know it, possibly of an entirely different order from us, but they've read Moby-Dick. In other words, the Twelve Colonies are sort of Boneville.
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