Thursday, November 27, 2008

Baby Got Glasses

Some time ago, the Deej posted DJ White Boy's Christian parody of "Baby Got Back," the destable and inexplicably popular song from way-back-when (the '90s). Figuring there ought to be an anime fanboy parody of the same, I wrote one. You better read it fast, because the Deej will probably take it down when he sees it.

So here it is:

"Baby Got Glasses"
Lyrics by Snuffles T. Dragon

Ah! My gosh! Kasumi-chan, look at her glasses!
They're so...big! She looks like one of those otaku guys' fantasies.
But, you know, who understands those otaku guys?
They only drool over her because she looks like Yomiko from R.O.D., 'kay?
I mean, her glasses are just so big!
I can't believe they're so round.
They just stick out there. They're gross.
She's just so...nerdy!

I like big glasses and I cannot lie,
Otaku brothas can't deny,
That when a girl walks in with some horn-rimmed frames,
And lenses on her face,
They go wild! We'll go to LensCraftas,
An' hit the bookstore afta!
She got bright shiny glasses that glow,
Make her look all freaky like Gendo.
Oh baby, I wanna go sketch ya,
Make a 2D picture!
My fanboys say you'd throw me,
But those frames you got make you so moe!

Ooh, Girl-with-no-friends,
You say you gotta get a new lens?
Well, wear 'em, wear 'em,
You're the best thing in this harem.

I seen her trippin',
Down her nose they're slippin'.
Hits her face, no grace,
Can't see two feet 'n front of her face.
I'm tired o' Newtype's schtick,
Sayin' you're just a sidekick.
Ask the average fanboy about those dames,
They gotta wear dem frames.

So, hey guys!
Hey guys!
Has your girlfriend got weak eyes?
(Heck yeah!)
Tell 'er to wear 'em!
Wear 'em!
Wear doze nerdy frames!
Baby got glasses!

(Wire-rimmed frames with real thick lenses!) x 2
Baby got glasses!
(Wire-rimmed frames with real thick lenses!) x 2

I like 'em round, and big,
And when she's shootin' a SIG,
I just can't help myself, I'm watchin' online fansubs,
Now here's the real rub,
I wanna watch your show,
Four eyes, double-up, four eyes!
I don't mean Mitsuragi,
Cuz Samurai Girls are f'r live TV!
I want 'em real cute and nerdy,
And maybe a bit wordy.
This fanboy can't believe,
When he sees how fast that girl c'n read!

So I'm watchin' bootleg videos,
Warrior girls fightin' in slow-mo,
You keep dem battle-babes,
I'll take doze chicks who get good grades.

A word to the thick-lensed sistas, I can't resist ya,
Wanna watch toons with ya,
But I gotta be straight when I say I watch anime,
Till the break of day!
Watchin' it all night long,
A lot of fans won't like this song,
Cuz dem geeks argue about voice and lines,
But I can't make up my mind,
If it's sub, or it's dub,
Where the translation is all screwed up.

So, ko-gals!
Do you think maybe we could be good pals?
Then wear 'em, till your eyes wear out!
E'en boy pilots gotta shout!
Baby got glasses!

Baby got glasses!
Yeah, thinkin' 'bout maybe gettin' some half-moon spectacles,
Or maybe a small pince-nez or somethin' like that?
Ha ha...only if your vision's, like, 20-20.

So your girlfriends are cute lasses, but do they wear nice glasses?
Cuz otaku guys won't make passes at mere sunglasses.
My fanboys just can't get excited,
Unless you're near-sighted!
You can get laser surgery,
But please don't lose those specs.
Some brothas wanna play that "hard" role,
And tell you dey make you look old,
So dey toss 'em, an' break 'em,
But I pull up quick to duct-tape 'em.

Some girls will wear contacts,
Well, I ain't down wit' dat!
Meganekko, I wanna get to know yo,
So come on down to my dojo.
To the clear-eyed dames in the magazines:
You ain't in my dreams!
Our relationship might even schism,
If you ain't got astigmatism.
Frame and lens are all dat,
Cuz doze glasses are where it's at.
Tho' some guys talk about another place,
I want the round things on her face!
So ladies, if you just can't see,
And you wanna vision test for free,
Dial 1-800-SQUINTS-A-LOT,
And read dat lowest line!
Baby got glasses!

(Pretty crummy vision so she still wears specs.) x 4

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