Thursday, September 4, 2008

First Day of Celebrity Drug Rehab

Previously on The Sci Fi Catholic:

Thanks to a commenter who calls herself (himself?) Sarathi, Snuffles and I have both recognized that we have problems, and so we have entered Christian Drug Rehab. It's time to confront our inner demons.

The following is an abbreviated transcript from our first session:

Susan*: Welcome back, everybody. Let's introduce our two newest members. Go ahead, new members.

D.G.D.: Hi. My name is the Deej, and, um, I'm a fanboy.

Everybody: Hi, Deej.

Susan: Tell us a little about yourself and your problem, Deej.

D.G.D.: Gosh, I don't know where to begin.... Well, it all started when I was about ten years old and read Roy Rockwood's City Beyond the Clouds. I thought it was so great then, you know? I didn't realize what it was doing to me. I thought I could quit any time I wanted to. I read Ray Bradbury, mostly, but before long I was getting into the harder stuff--Clarke, Asimov, the works. I was reading everything I could. And then I read Dune in middle school, and, and...[begins to sob]...I even...I even read the sequels! [Breaks down completely.] I'm...I'm so sorry....

Susan: Let's all cry for Deej and maybe give him a hug.

D.G.D.: *Snff* Are we...are we re-enacting a scene from Fight Club?

Susan: Maybe we'll role-play later. Right now, let's let your friend introduce himself. Stand up, please.

Snuffles: Hi. My name is Snuffles T. Dragon, esquire.

Everybody: Hi, Snuffles T. Dragon, esquire.

Snuffles: And I have a mecha fetish.

Susan: A what?

D.G.D.: *Snff* Just roll with it. *Snff*

Susan: Okay...Deej, why don't you tell the group how you think your addiction has negatively affected your life?

D.G.D.: Well...this is so's hurt me in countless ways. Like, one time, I was sitting in a restaurant...b-by myself...and I think the cute waitress was kinda, y'know, hitting on me, but I just--I just stuck my nose back in my copy of John Steakley's Armor and kept reading! I'm so ashamed!

Snuffles: He didn't leave much of a tip, either.

D.G.D.: Hey!

Snuffles: Has he mentioned yet his delusions? The whole waitress thing is all in his mind. Dude couldn't get a date if his life depended on it.

D.G.D.: How do you know? Maybe I just haven't wanted to get a date--

Snuffles: Have I mentioned yet that I, on the other hand, live in a lavishly decorated cave with no less than fourteen virgins?

Well, I won't bore you with the rest of that. To make a long story short, the meeting descended into chaos and they eventually asked us, cordially, to seek help elsewhere and not to come back.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
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