Sunday, September 7, 2008

Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from Grimm's Fairy Tales

I like to cheat. In particular, I like to drop titles of books I haven't read. It's not like I'm not going to read them, mind you. I just haven't yet. And I still haven't managed to get all the way through A Landscape With Dragons.

But now I can at least say I've gotten all the way through The Complete Brothers Grimm. All the enchanted princesses and princes have been rescued and married off, all the villains have been killed or mutilated, and all the pious children have keeled over. Here is what I've learned:

  1. All elderly women practice magic. Some are evil witches, and some are good fairies; they're impossible to tell apart, but if you don't guess right, you're screwed.
  2. When faced with three impossible tasks, your best bet is to sit back, relax, and wait for a deus ex machina.
  3. When you're setting out on a difficult journey, the very next person you meet will have something you need.
  4. The youngest son is always the most virtuous.
  5. The youngest daughter is always the hottest.
  6. Theft is a harmless and profitable pasttime as long as you're clever about it or the objects you're stealing have magical properties.
  7. Unless the guy you're stealing from is the protagonist, in which case you're screwed.
  8. Selling your soul to the devil is a risk-free way to strike it rich.
  9. If you're wondering where the kidnapped princess has been taken to, your best bet is to look for the nearest mountain made of glass.
  10. Whenever you have a long way to travel, the quickest and easiest means of transportation is the nearest available giant.
blog comments powered by Disqus