Thursday, March 27, 2008

Vocations, Now in Five Colors!

It's the Snuff-meister here, and I'm posting whether Deej likes it or not!

With all this talking smack about dragons, I don't feel too welcome at the moment, but throwing my weight around where I'm not welcome is how I roll. (And hey, Templar, I know where you sleep at night!)

Anyway, a reader recently sent me to something he describes as sort-of manga-ish Catholic stuff. Thanks for the link, bro, but let me make one thing clear: this is not manga. Deej may read that Amerimanga garbage, but that's because he's a big luh-hooser! Anyway, what I'm talkin' about here isn't really Amerimanga, either. I guess it would be...Brito-manga. It's the website Called Today, which features the stories of cutesy Catholic cartoon characters who chose celibate vocations, and how you too should choose a celibate vocation because these cutesy cartoon characters are young, hip, good-looking, with it, groovy, and relevant, just like you.

As soon as I saw it, I said, "Okay, this needs to get skewered." Of course, the wildly famous Catholic blog Shrine of the Holy Whapping has already opened a can of holy whap-&$$ on it, but that doesn't mean the dragon can't throw in his own bit. And two bucks says I can do it better.

You see, while looking at this attempt to attract hip young people with cartoons, I realized it could never work because this cartoon is boring! So, to help our friends across the pond with their recruiting effort, I took the liberty of spicing up their cartoon a little. After some debate with the Deej, I agreed to display only the publicly available poster and to leave off the images of the individual characters. It was a tough decision, but it was the only way (click here to see the pictures I was going to use). Here we go:




TEAM CELIBATE VOCATION:
BATTLESMOKE GOOGLION


They have a vocation...to kick butt!


Father Michael Bruiser: When supercriminals prey on the world's helpless people, the Vatican covertly organizes its own team of vigilante superheroes, and the first of their recruits is Father Bruiser, diocesan priest and former flyweight boxing champ. Trained in numerous martial arts and armed with a .44-magnum, Bruiser is meeting the scum of the city in a confessional called the streets--where he doles out the ultimate penance!

Sister Catherine Slaughter: Known on the street as the Nun with Nunchukas, Sister Slaughter is Father Bruiser's loyal sidekick (because this is a comic book and every comic book priest, apparently, needs a loyal nun sidekick). Able to transform any object into a deadly weapon, she's rapping more than just knuckles, and she's rapping them with more than just rulers!

Brother Gregory "the Fist" Balizar: Bound by a vow of silence, Brother Fist is a master of stealth. Trained in mystical gravity-defying monkish martial arts, he is Team Celibate Vocation's ultimate weapon. None can oppose him, and few dare try. Not only that, but those robes tend to fly around while he's moving and look really dramatic and cool! And when riddled with bullet-holes around the hem, they look even cooler! Yeah!

Sister Leah "InvisiNun" Chalendar: Sister Leah is Team Celibate Vocation's espionage agent--cleverly disguised as a skateboarder's cute girlfriend, no one can tell she's a nun! She worms her way into the vilest supercriminal organizations and retrieves sensitive information for Father Bruiser. But don't let appearances fool you: when she presses her crucifix lapel pin and recites a Hail Mary, a bolt of lightning transforms her street clothes into a fully armed Mecha Battle Habit! (This happens at least once an episode.)

Brother Ben "I'm not Starring in a Harem Anime" Frederickson: Every superhero team needs one loser sidekick to kick around, and Brother Ben fulfills that purpose. Designated the team's "refreshing drink provider," Brother Ben's job involves ensuring that the other team members remain hydrated and that the kiddies watching at home see plenty of product placements. He also organizes the potlucks and usually functions as Team Celibate Vocation's PR man. He dreams of being a true superhero, but Father Bruiser and the others refuse to appreciate the mystical power of his Magical Baggy Pants. Nonetheless, for all his passive loser-ishness, Brother Ben remains the hippest and most relevant member of the team.

Okay, I'm done. Now I'll just sit back and wait for the lawsuit.
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