Critics ask: Can the blog survive?
Public outcry reached fever pitch after I introduced a new blogger, Lucky the Goldfish (we got, like, two comments, which I think is a record). One outraged reader has even threatened to kill me for "gross misconduct," "utter lack of chivalry," "inconsiderateness and appalling behavior," and "acting in a manner unbefitting a blogger." I feel justified in replying as follows: these comments do not reflect reality; they are a distortion and an exaggeration and betray ignorance of the facts; and finally, I can take you anytime, buddy, so name the place.
First, I know many of your are disappointed to learn I am currently cohabiting with a female. However, I will point out that the female is now, and has been as long as I have known her, a goldfish. Anyone who finds this inappropriate is backwards-thinking and out of touch with the situation of today. Besides that, Frederick the Unicorn is chaperoning, and he is seriously the Chaperon from Hell. Nothing gets by this guy.
Second, I feel it is time to restate my so-called "origin story," comic book-fashion. As I told you in the first place even though I never told you before, my life has gone something like this. My mother was impregnated by an incubus. Because the superstitious villagers believed me to be a "devil baby" and wanted to kill me, she hid me in a basket in the Enchanted Forest in the hope that the good fairies would find me and raise me as one of their own. Instead, a couple of dragons happened by. They would have devoured me immediately had they not recently feasted on roast knight, so instead they decided to take me home and make me the pet of their adopted son, Snuffles.
Snuffles was in reality a superintelligent nebula from a parallel universe, but he had transformed into a dragon in order to visit our universe and had become trapped in that form, adopted by this dragon couple who had no children. Upon receiving me as his new pet, he made it a regular habit to pinch, poke, hit, and otherwise vex me for his own amusement. I grew up with this constant abuse.
I grew up believing myself to be the only human in the world, knowing nothing of human society or the existence of others like myself. When I was about thirteen, however, my fairy godmother, who had blessed me in my basket in the woods before the dragons found me, appeared and told me it was time to take a long and arduous journey, and that I would soon meet a companion who would help me on the way. This companion came when I was drinking at a brook: a beautiful white unicorn marched out of the trees and announced himself as Frederick. We two set off on a series of disconnected rambling quests, during which I slowly reintegrated into human society, though not before Snuffles showed up and insisted on going with us because he and I had been pair-bonded by a blood oath some years back, rendering us unable to part company for more than a few days at a time without experiencing severe stomach cramps.
Throughout our long journey, during which I grew into a man, Frederick the Unicorn told me that I had the burden of a great destiny upon me, and that I would accomplish wondrous things if only I heeded the call of fate. I felt my destiny upon my shoulders as a heavy burden throughout our adventures. Eventually, our travels brought us to a fair where a carnie was offering goldfish to anyone who could throw three rings around a stick. I managed the heroic deed and won the goldfish, which I learned could speak. It told me that it was in reality a beautiful princess cursed by a jealous wizard and that she had the power to grant me one wish.
Frederick looked straight into my eyes and whispered, "Your moment has come."
I had to agree. Nobody had ever offered me a wish before. I thought about it and realized there was nothing I really wanted. But it was a hot day and I could use some refreshment, so I requested an orange dreamsicle.
Frederick wept, apparently for joy. And from that moment forward, the feeling of destiny dropped from my shoulders, leading me to believe I had done the right thing, even though my formerly directed life has sort of wandered aimlessly since that time.
So, that's the story. You will see I have done nothing wrong, nothing of which I'm ashamed.