Friday, September 21, 2007

The Dragon's Mailbag

More mail than you can shake a stick at!

Recently, I received what has to be the best e-mail yet. A dedicated reader from the United Nations writes the following:

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this mail came to you.We have been having a meeting for the passed 7 months which ended 2 days ago with the secretary to the UNITED NATION.

This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATION have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$ 100,000. This includes every foriegn contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an
unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government probelms etc.

We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this have been agreed upon and have been signed.You are advised to
contact Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC, as he is our representative in Nigeria, contact him immediately for your Cheque/ International Bank Draft of USD$ 100,000.This funds are in a Bank Draft for security purpose ok? so he will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice.

Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the Draft to you. Conatact Mr. Jim Ovia immediately for your Cheque:

Person to Contact Mr. Jim Ovia

Phone: 234 1 7439877

Thanks and God bless you and your family.Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your Bank Draft.

Making the world a better place

Mr. Kofi Anan
Former Secretary (UNITED NATIONS).

I like this one. It has gall. Note the way it tells me it found me on a list of people who have been scammed even though I haven't been because I'm not quite that stupid. It's like a little extra dose of acid in the face--you've been fooled once? Well, I'm here to fool you twice.

Okay, let's look at the problems here: 1) it's supposed to be from the U.N. but has numerous typos and no official-looking letterhead, and 2) it's sending me to a bank in Nigeria for crying out loud. Hey spammers, you're giving Nigeria a bad name! But anyway, thanks for trying to fix my "Government probelms." I have been having a lot of those lately, mainly because dragons in apartments violate some kind of zoning ordinance.

Look, I don't do bank drafts, checks, or money orders. All my investments are in precious metals, and all my precious metals are in a spacious cave where they are scrupulously guarded by fourteen lovely and innocent-looking young ladies who can show a surprising talent for brutal forms of martial arts if anyone tries to touch my stash (and Natasha can also whip you up a killer soufflé). Convert the US$ 100,000 to gold and then we'll talk.


Snuffles the Dragon, Esq.

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